Crush

I almost started this blog with one of those cutesy “While I was chatting to ‘her’ I thought about ‘x’” openings that really grind my gears. Firstly, no one cares that you have a loved one unless the blog is about them. And if it’s about them you shouldn’t refer to them as a pronoun. Her, she, him, themselves, it and yolky bobby are not terms of endearment.

If your girlfriend doesn’t want to be mentioned in your blog, but is an important part the content, then find some other way to bring it in. You’re a writer, use your imagination.

So myself and Jack Nicholson were playing basketball against Burt and Ryan Reynolds (no relation) when Burt started talking smack to Jack. Saying how his momma was an astronaut and what not. Jack Nicholson was having none of it and things got a bit heated when he mentioned how The Bandit had let the love of his life, Sally Field, slip out of his grasp.

While Ryan Reynolds was busy separating the two Hollywood veterans I couldn’t help dwelling on the image of Sally Field. When I was younger I used to have such a crush on her. I’m not sure I even knew what a crush was. I certainly didn’t know what the funny feeling I was having in my tummy every time I saw the star of Smokey and the Bandit and Mrs Doubtfire on screen. I just knew there was something special about her.

Of course she isn’t the only celebrity fancy I had when I was a young boy developing a curiosity for the fairer sex. Like every straight (and probably some gay) man my age Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia definitely stirred something in my pre pubescent self. Gold Bikinis and hair in funny buns will forever be fetish wear for men of a certain generation.

Of course these are both no brainers, Sally Field and Carrie Fisher were both beautiful women who radiate a cuteness while at the same time being can’t-quite-put-your-finger-on-it sexy. They tended to play sassy women who were more than capable of standing up to any moronic man. Had all my young attractions were so obvious I probably wouldn’t be writing this.

I need to point out that I was very young at the time. Not really sure what I was looking for in a girlfriend; I didn’t even know I was looking for a girlfriend. So I ask that you don’t judge ten year old me so harshly because he had a crush on the following women:

Carol Decker, the lead singer of T’pau who sang Heart and Soul and China in your Hand. She had curly red hair and could belt out a power ballad. Maybe it was the sepia tone lighting in all their videos but I always thought she was pretty. I followed her on twitter recently but that felt a bit weird.

Sonia. A bubbly Liverpool singer who was dubbed the new Cilla Black was another ginger chanteuse who appealed to my little boy sensibility. This penchant for redheads is not something that I have carried forward into my actual romantic life. I don’t know what it was about Sonia. Maybe it was the pinchable cheeks or twinkly eyes. Most likely it was the floppy hat and yellow bolero combination that she sported on her album cover Everybody Knows (which I owned on cassette tape, by the way.)

Dana. There I said it. I used to fancy Dana. All Kinds of Everything, Dana. I didn’t know she was a religious nut at the time. Before she wanted to be president and sign Ireland over to the Catholic Church I used to think she was very cute. She had big brown eyes and rosy cheeks. She had a seemed to have a kind heart; she helped Finn and Derval in Flight of the Doves. Playing Snow White in pantomime and winning the Eurovision proved how talented she was. How could anyone not be attracted to this woman?

In a time when Georgia Salpa is considered a sexy celebrity, it’s hard not to yearn for a simpler time. Or maybe I just have strange taste in women. Oh, I don’t think herself will like me saying that.

Zenith

It is a good job I didn’t resolve on January the first to update here on a more committed basis. So far, it looks like 2012 will have the same random regularity as 2011. That’s not to say it won’t change, in fact I’m planning that it will. I have set myself some goals and targets for the New Year.

So far, this year I haven’t had an alcoholic drink. Its only two weeks but I’m happy with my little achievement. Unfortunately, for that habit at least, I’m going on holiday in a couple of days so that won’t last much longer.

I’ve also set myself some writing objectives that, if anyone is interested, I will keep you up to date with as they happen. In the mean time I just need to get on with it. So let’s do that shall we.

A friend of mine, whose opinion I have some respect for, tells me that my Blog is better when I’m not talking about me. He prefers when I pick a subject and talk about that rather than discuss how my life is going. I’m generally inclined to agree with him, but it could be just that this friend doesn’t like people sharing their lives online. This argument is backed up by his disdain for Facebook.

He hates it, refuses to have it. Well, he did have it for a while but was so abhorred by people ranking themselves and their friends, poking, tagging and all that other nonsense that he got rid of it. I’ve decided I’m going to try and follow suit.

I’m not a hater of Facebook. For a long time I’ve enjoyed its usage. Setting up my account in 2007 to keep in touch with my friends off on their travels I found it an excellent tool. I took advantage of the games and the quizzes as a way to pass the time and when I was trapped in employment hell Facebook was a window to the outside world.

But at this stage I’m a little bored with it. And let me say to my Friends, it’s not you it’s me. Most of the stuff that appears on my newsfeed these days is from organisations, bands or charities or businesses. If it’s not that it’s somebody pointlessly complaining about the state of this or that. As a regular ranter about both I know that this is completely futile and I hate to see intelligent people like yourselves wasting your time.

The thing is, I’m a five year Zuckerberg addict. I’m under no illusion that quitting ‘the book’ is going to be easy. So I’ve started to wean myself away. My status changes are infrequent, especially when compared to the last days of Meteor when I would update twice maybe three times a day. If I do that a week now, it’s a busy one

I have deleted most of my photos. I don’t think there is anything really wrong with sharing your snaps with friends but you have to question the validity of a lot of them. Memories are to be captured not posed. How can you really show the world what a good time you had when you are spending most of your time deleting and retaking that perfect profile pic.

I’ve hidden a lot the stuff I follow. By my reckoning, at this rate I will only have a few updates a day and trick myself into believing that everyone else is kicking the habit. So eventually, in a few months I might be ready to take that final big leap and delete my account. Although it has its uses, I let a lot of people know about my blog through Facebook, so I’ll have to find a way around it.

Some of you are probably thinking if I’m serious why don’t I just delete it now?’ Others might be of the opinion that I won’t be able to quit, that I’m an addict, that I can’t live without Facebook. Well I’ve seen people who quit cold turkey and they just come back worse than ever before. That’s not going to be me. I’m going to do it right.

Year in Review 2011

It’s the third day of the New Year and so far most people seem happy to see the back of the year that was 2011. And who can blame them? Earthquakes, uprisings, riots, political upheaval and recession do not make for a joyous end of year summary.

Not that we talk about those kinds of things here at Insert Witty... No, we tend to stick to the stuff we know about, music, movies, books and giving out in general. Unfortunately the last twelve months haven’t been great for those either.

Movie wise it been a pretty ‘meh’ year. Far too many ‘it was ok I suppose’ (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Super 8 and Oscar winning The Kings Speech) or ‘I can’t believe people thought that was good’ (Black Swan, Puss in Boots.) In fact a lot of reviewer’s movie the year fits perfectly into that second category.

Drive, starred Ryan Gosling as a moody, broody, stunt man turned getaway driver. As a movie it was a shallow homage to movies of the 80’s, a decade whose style over substance emptiness Drive emulates to perfection. There is absolutely no need for any of this movie to exist. From the horrible Day-Glo credits and appalling synth music soundtrack to its lack of script and video nasty violence, it is of zero artistic merit. Ladies tend to swoon over Gosling but he was in three other movies this year which are miles better than Drive.

In fact, one of those movies, Blue Valentine makes it into what I would consider the top five of the last year along with, in no particular order, Submarine, Tree of Life, Animal Kingdom and possibly Bridesmaids or Warrior. Like I said, it wasn’t a particularly great year for cinema but of what I saw, these were probably the best.

It was reported today that album sales (including digital units) for the last year are down. I can appreciate this. While there have been some good records, there hasn’t been anything that makes me want to listen to it over and over again. Bon Iver, Adele, Elbow and PJ Harvey have released decent efforts but nothing that has blown me away. So there is no JH album of the year.

My musical highlights have come from live gigs this year. As a huge Prince fan I was very sceptical about his gig in Malahide Castle. It was too expensive and the sound was bound to be terrible, I wasn’t going.


In the end my love of the man’s music got the better of me and I’m so glad it did. It was the fifth time I had seen him live and this was easily the best. It was definitely the best outdoor gig I’ve been at, possibly the best anywhere. A hits collection from start to finish (almost three hours,) he interacted and had the crowd eating out of his hand.

Then at Electric Picnic, I saw lots of great bands playing to appreciative audiences that where there to have a good time. Bands like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Public Enemy, Caitlin Rose, Midlake, Santigold, DJ Shadow and others all put on great sets to make for an enjoyable weekend. The Headline acts then went and turned it into an amazing experience.

Arcade Fire on Saturday night put on an incredible show, every bit as good as their performance in the O2 in 2010, and should have been the highlight of the weekend. That was until Sunday night when the man god that is Jarvis Cocker strode on stage with a reformed Pulp and sent me and my friends back in time to 1996. Singing and dancing along to Disco 2000 was an experience I have waited fifteen years for. It was worth the wait.

On a personal note, 2011 was a great year. I continued my efforts to become a proper human being and writer. I spent a lot of time helping kids write stories (I even appeared on the news doing so) and I helped educate some of them in the ways of proper comedy. The best bit, without doubt, was that I ended the year all loved up and in a relationship with a fantastic woman who I personally think is brilliant.

If I can keep that stuff going forward into this new calendar I will have a very Happy New Year.