Kinda Random

So I feel like I owe you people something. I didn’t get to post anything a couple of weeks ago so I feel as if I’ve short changed you, the reader.

So in order to make it up to you I’ve decided that instead of a full blog, I will just share with you some very random thoughts that I have been having lately. Nothing too heavy or life changing. Just a couple of opinions, reviews and recommendations that you can take or leave as you wish.

1) I love Custard Creams. I had an aunt who used to work in Jacobs when I was a kid. We used to get loads of biscuits. Goldgrain, Chocolate Goldgrain, Fig Rolls, Kimberly to name but a few. And then there was Custard Creams. Custard Creams are a biscuit sandwich with a dollop of vanilla, not custard (I don't actually like custard) flavoured cream-esque substance between them.

As a boy I used to eat them by the dozens.

Then as time went by, they seemed to become passé. I didn’t want bland Custard Creams. I could have colossal chocolate chip cookies or magnificent muffins. My tea time snack had moved on. I was a sophisticated cosmopolitan man about town now. I wanted new and exciting taste sensations.

That was until recently. I was in work and one of my wonderful colleagues had bought a packet of Londis brand Custard Creams. I was having a cup of tea so I thought sure I’d have one. It was amazing. On top of all the biscuit-y goodness that was teasing my palate it tasted like nostalgia. And since then I’ve been hooked. I’m on about a pack a week. I may need to see if I can find a confectionary rehab programme.

2) I really enjoy working in Muji. It’s a very relaxed atmosphere, my colleagues are great people. The customers are usually pretty nice. I haven’t had any bad ones anyway. I know one or two have appeared but I’ve been lucky to not have to deal with them. Instead I get to chat to nice customers who are pretty chilled out, (in fairness, its hard to get stressed out about buying pens,) don’t mind passing the time of day with you and being friendly.

As part time in between jobs go. Its pretty cool.

3) As a symbol of a something that is supposed to be about love for one another and human compassion the Crucifix is pretty fucking severe. In the grounds of Mount Argus church there is full size crucifix with a statue of Jesus nailed to it.

I know I’m not the first person to point out the hypocrisy of Christian (or any) religion to profess a love for mankind and yet to have such a history of massacre and brutality. This is not an original thought. It is however something that continues to this day when we should all have reached a state of enlightenment.

Instead, when we send our children (mankind’s…not mine obviously) to school they are still being emotionally blackmailed into believing that Jesus endured the tortures of having spikes driven through his extremities and died nailed to a cross for their souls. Catholic guilt starts with the Catholic guilt trip.

4) For a more succinct take on why religion is bullshit I suggest you take in the works of George Carlin. When it came to religion or any of humanity’s bullshit and hypocrisy, George was truly one of the great minds of the last 100 years. And he was hilarious. As a comedian his material is unparalleled and his influence is immeasurable. If you’re a fan of any contemporary comedian worth his salt, then you will have felt Carlin’s reach in their work.

A clever and erudite man, George Carlin was as controversial as they come. His disregard for the falseness and hypocrisy of fame led him to seek out an alternative path. He turned his back on a successful career in light entertainment comedy in search for something more fulfilling. He became one of the most challenging and outspoken voice of the 60’s and 70’s. The only thing that could compare to his anti-authoritarian feelings was his love of language and he managed to tie these beautifully together in his piece called ‘7 words you can never say on television.’ If you haven’t heard it, stop reading this bullshit and go find it. Get some use out of the Internet for crying out loud.

5) Spanking. What is that all about? I’ve a pretty liberal outlook when it comes to sexual peccadilloes but honestly. Has anyone ever really taken a sexual pleasure from being on either end of the act of the smacking a bare hand on a bare ass? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done it. But purely in a ‘sex is fun, lets have a laugh’ kind of way. I’ve gotten no particular pleasure out of it. Is it supposed to be taken seriously?

I only ask because my housemates seem to get an enormous amount of enjoyment from it. I can only assume they are enjoying it because they are always doing it. Seven or eight slaps a time. Judging by the yelps of delight he is the spanker and she the spankee. I might be wrong, I only have what I can hear morning, noon and night to go by. Each to their own I guess.

6) I wanted to a list of ten things but I’ve decided I might try hold off on some of them for proper blogs. So in the mean time, here are some things I recommend you go find and enjoy.

Questionable Content. It’s like a rom-com-indie-pop-techno-babble-sci-fi-sex-triangle web comic. Its been keeping me amused.

George Carlin. I talked about him earlier. He will make you laugh and think. I would suggest albums such as Class Clown, AM/FM, Jammin in New York and Life is worth losing. You can probably see most of his material on You Tube.

Shutter Island. An old fashioned mystery thriller directed by Martin Scorsese and a movie that finally allowed me to take Leonardo DiCaprio seriously as an actor.

Water Music by T.C. Boyle. A bonkers brilliant book that a friend gave be to read. Set at the end of the 18th Century showing a side of London that Dickens never wrote about and the Jungle adventures of an explorer trying to make a name for himself in the world.

House M.D. It can be a little repetitive with its mystery illness/trial and error/ find the cure formula but the characters in this programme are so well crafted that it is much more interesting as a study of people than a medical drama. Hugh Laurie is outstanding and Olivia Wilde is incredibly hot.

He Drinks Tequila by Crystal Swing. Awesome!!!!

So there you go. Just a little to give you some kind of an idea of what’s going on at the moment. Normal blogging service will resume later in the week.

Eric

Alcohol has played quite the part in my life. Since I turned 18 ( I was only drunk once before then…Honest) I have regularly enjoyed the glorious highs and the tragic lows that come part and parcel of a trip on the booze hound express. For most people, this is not something that will come as a surprise. For others… Really? Have you not met me?

I think everyone I know has seen me at some stage in various states of inebriation. The likelihood is if you met for the first time it was probably in a bar or at a party or over drinks somewhere. People who I have worked with will have had to wait a bit longer but I think in general, I make a drunken impression pretty quickly.

I like to think I am a charming, affable, drunk. Clever and witty, with a unique outlook on the world around. I tell people I love them, (although not you M.B. it never happened,) like to hug and generally don’t want the party to end. For the most part, this is the case.

Occasionally, very occasionally mind, I have gotten a bit cranky when tipsy. If I’m in a bad mood beforehand and things aren’t going my way, I might get annoyed. If I get caught up in a discussion, it could turn into a disagreement. I’m never violent but I have on maybe 3 incidents insulted someone aggressively. Once again I would like to apologise to the “pubic haired headed freak”(you know who you are.)

Other than that I think if more people were the same as me when they were drunk, An Garda Siochanna would have a lot less to do on a Saturday night, taxi drivers would probably be a little more pleasant to deal with and hospital emergency rooms wouldn’t have such a queue.

Although, now that I think about it I have actually been to A&E twice due to drunken escapades. Once from rollerblading at 4 in the morning which resulted in a badly sprained ankle and a bruised coccyx, but it was the next day when I went to St. James‘ Hospital.

The second time was another sprained ankle, but it wasn’t mine and it wasn’t my fault. Honest. She pulled me down and I landed on her ankle. Being the gentleman that I am I escorted her to the Hospital.

There was also the pretend time I went to the hospital. What happened was, a very good drinking ‘butty o mine’ was working a split shift. We had a few afternoon libations and he got what scientists refer to as ’the goo.’

So rather than suppressing this urge and going back to work to fulfil his commitment to his employer, we came up with a rather clever ruse to excuse him of his duties. I rang up his place of work and claimed to be a rather distressed motorist. The reason for my anxiety was that I had just hit their employee with my car whilst he was cycling back to work. I was distraught and the poor cyclist was in a deal of pain.

Off course he had to be taken away in ambulance. I was going to follow him to make sure he was ok. His employer, a publican, was saddened to hear this and hoped his employee would be ok and thanked me for ringing him and letting him know. Result. Back to the bar for a celebratory round or eleven.

The next day when my buddy returned to work with a suitable pain in the head for someone who had been in hospital after a run in with a car he was surprised to find that it wasn’t all rich tea and sympathy. Apparently his boss, knowing that he was living in a strange county, away from home and family, went to the hospital to see if he was ok or needed anything. With no record of any traffic accident or my friend, the boss put two and two together and proved he wasn’t wasting his time learning of his addition tables in school.

Other things on the not so clever but oh so fun when drunk list include:

• Singing Michael Bolton and Whitney Houston songs in public (Hi Lisa!!!)
• Stair Surfing (Sliding down the stairs on a part of your body)
• Losing my virginity to a Leprechaun
• Stair Surfing in front of (as a result of) an ex Girlfriends colleagues
• Wearing Zebra print tights under a black baby doll nightie
• Getting my ear pierced

I will admit to doing lots of stupid stuff whilst under the influence of alcohol. But no one has ever really got hurt and I’m very grateful for that. The latest drink aware advert has got me thinking about it though. That’s the advert where they show supposed cctv footage of people falling down and behaving anti socially whilst drunk. They put a laugh track over it so it is like an episode of You’ve Been Framed, but it is to highlight that what you might think is a great laugh when your drunk isn’t always.

I have to say I resent that a little. Falling down when your dancing because you’ve had a couple of margaritas and you’re dizzy because Kylie Minogue is ‘Spinning Around’ is funny. It being on You’ve Been Framed isn’t.

It seems like its just another example of nanny-ist ‘careful now’ attitude that the policy makers in this country have. The ones which say I can’t buy any alcohol after 10.30pm if I want to drink it in the comfort of my own home. Although I can buy 24 bottles of Stella Artois for 21euro before 10.30 thus ensuring that I drink en masse. Responsibly of course.

Who is the 10.30 law trying to protect. Do they think for the teenagers who are likely to be drinking , that it is past their bedtime? Do they think people who want to drink for the entire night won’t be able to organise themselves enough to get to a shop at 9pm and stock up?

The alcohol and licensing laws in this country are ridiculous. I’m not sure if it’s a throw back to the catholic church influence or just further proof that those ‘in charge’ are inept morons. As a grown up I am able to control and monitor my own drinking thank you very much. Just because ‘Anto Tracksuit-McDutchGold’ wants to get in a fight after a night in the Q bar should not effect me.

Maybe if we didn’t have every bar and night club closing at the same time we wouldn’t have a mass exodus of drunken clowns on to the street at the same time. If anyone has ever been to Waterford City to see the mayhem at the crossroads where the 3 nightclubs and all the fast food take-aways are will know what I’m talking about.

People will get disgustingly drunk and messy and might want to start a fight. I put a lot of this down to the attitude towards drink we have in Ireland. It’s almost a case of which came first the Chicken or the Egg. Do we pile as much booze into us as quickly as possible because we have archaic drinking laws or do we have archaic drinking laws because we pile as much booze into as quickly as possible.

It has been going on for years and the stereo type of the drunkard Irishman did not come out of nowhere. I think sometimes we see that as a charming stereo type as opposed to what it is. The disgusting depiction of abuse and violence caused by alcohol in this country for centuries.

It really is nothing to be proud of when you are in another country and a local turns around to and says “You Irish. You are crazy. Guinness. Whiskey”

When it comes down to it though, everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and I’m a big believer in as long as no one else gets hurt do what ever feels good. So if you want to get drunk and lairy and square up to someone for ‘looking at your bird,’ don’t be a dickhead.

If you want to go get shit-faced, dance like an eejit and spend the next day in bed because of a hang over, I say go for it. I’ll get the lucozade.

NutJob

Being Unemployed isn’t easy. For a start I have a part time (casual) job and that really hampers my status on the live register. Despite technically not being out of work I feel I am entitled to an opinion on the subject. I lost my previous full time job and have to endure the joys of visiting the social welfare office and dealing with the most uncivil servants you could ever hope to avoid.

This is my second go at being on the dole. This time my visits to the social welfare offie seem to be fraught with anxiety and fear for many. People have more to lose this go around. I remember when a spell on the dole was to be expected and while I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it, I was ok with it. As were most of the people. There was almost a sense of bonhomie That all changed of course with the economic boom and the ‘Celtic Tiger’.

I was last one of the unwaged warriors back when all this recession nonsense was just called being working class. To paraphrase Outspan Foster, how could be working class if there was no jobs.

Of course, these days people have come to expect more from life and have higher expectations. They also have mortgages, loans, second mortgages, car repayments and credit cards. The kind of financial icebergs that could sink the most titanic of individuals. Back in the 90’s most people on the dole did not have these nooses around their neck. Times are indeed tough.

Every persons position is different. Some people have mortgages, others don’t. Many people have families, wives and kids to support, some don’t. I can only look at it at it from my perspective and I, being a man with a positive outlook, however, refuse to accept that it is all doom and gloom. Its not all bad. It can’t be. And if you let it be all bad, then you are in trouble my friends.

I know its not always easy to see the wood for the trees but there is one huge positive of being unemployed. Time. Lots and lots of free time. And while that might sound like my Mastermind specialist subject is ‘the bleedin obvious,’ just because people have extra time on their hands, it doesn’t necessarily follow that they make the best use of this time

Its very easy to fall into an unproductive way of life when you don’t have to get up and go to work every morning. The most important thing I find is to get up in the morning. Again, not exactly an earth shattering revelations by John there, but its so easy to fall in the trap. You know, you wake up about 10.30, you’ll lie in bed for another 30 to 45 minutes. Maybe you’ll read for a bit. If you have a TV in bedroom you might watch a movie. Suddenly its 2 pm. There isn’t much point in trying to do anything for the rest of the day, everything in this country closes at 5 anyway. So you might just sit around and watch daytime TV.

This is a big mistake. Daytime TV is like crack. Its fun and amusing. It comes in small chunks so it never feels like you are going to far with it. But as soon as one ’hit’ is done you start to get the urge for just one more. Sure what harm can it do?

Well lets take a look at what we could have looked at today shall we?

On RTE 1, our national broadcasters, whose remit does mention words like ‘information,’ ‘education’and ‘quality programming’, we have, in a row, Murder She Wrote, The Doctors, Doctor Phil, and then repeats of Fair City, Neighbours, Home and Away and Eastenders. What? No Oprah?

On BBC1, the equivalent of RTE for our nearest neighbours its worse. Homes Under the Hammer, To Buy Or Not To Buy, Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt. The one thing in this list of tripe’s favour is the fact that you might discover that an elderly relative might have something that is worth bumping her off in these times of financial strife.

So stop it. Turn it off. All of it. Its designed to keep you in an idiotic stupor. Television, while having the potential to bring magnificence in the form of art or education, is mostly used for the forces of evil. David Dickenson, Handy Andy and the entire cast of Fair City are no better than Mein Kampf or any other propaganda tool.

Next we need to cut down on other bad habits. Get up do some exercise, go for a walk. Exercise your brain, read a book. Limit the time you spend on the internet. A ‘friend’ of mine once told me he ‘amused’ himself (youknowwhatimsayin) 7 times in one day because he had nothing else to do. This is not healthy people.

Find productive ways to spend your time. Learn a language. Volunteer for stuff. Make yourself available to help an elderly neighbour. Pick a project and do it. This is my favourite. I shall be telling you all about my latest project at some stage soon.

The most important thing is not to panic. Never question if you are capable and if you are useful. You will always find something to utilise your talent and skills, even if it is for free. Financially this isn’t the soundest business plan. But if it makes you feel good to be doing stuff, then do it.

So apply for jobs. As many as you can. But remember, you have a luxury that you would have been grateful for not so long ago. Spend time with the kids, read a book, do some DIY. Enjoy your time, while you have it.


Ok I got a bit behind on the ol bloggerino. So I owe you one from last week. Look out for some sort of make up article later in the week.

Altruism

As part of a much improved week, last week I had a meeting. I think in my head I thought of it as interview. I researched. I prepared. I thought about what I should wear. I even got a haircut. When I get there it was definitely not an interview. It was a very friendly chat about my wanting to do some volunteer work.

I was meeting with a lovely woman called Jean who is the Volunteer coordinator for a group called Fighting Words. It was founded by Roddy Doyle and is a centre which encourages kids to explore creative writing as a means of expressing themselves and finding their individuality. As I said a couple of weeks ago writing is something which I felt helped me find my own voice when I was younger so this seemed like a good opportunity to give some of that back. It also sounds like a lot of fun.

The way it works is that classes of kids come in and they workshop the first part of a story. They then go off and individually write an ending for that story. At the end of the session they are presented with a book of their story, including illustrations drawn by artists and with their photo on the back. Like a real book.

Sounds pretty cool to me. So I volunteered to help out. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll be doing just yet. Probably just helping with spelling or something. The way I look at it, I’ve got plenty of time on my hand and if there is some way I can help some one else find a passion for writing then I’m there. I forgot mine for long enough that I feel I owe it something.

This is the latest of my volunteering efforts. For someone who has over the years tended to be a bit self centred and dismissive of others good deeds it’s a bit of a change. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not volunteering because I’m a wonderful human being. I have time on my hands and get easily bored. Its like Joey in Friends (or was it Immanuel Kant) said. There is no such thing as a truly selfless act.

I recently volunteered to help out at the Jameson Dublin Film Festival. When I went to meet with them it was a very different experience to my Fighting Words meeting. It was a Saturday morning in the Savoy Cinema. There was between 15 and 20 people there for the same meeting. Everyone standing around the foyer of the cinema, no one really sure what was going on. Was this the right place to be? It was a very strange experience. Looking around trying to make some kind of connection with someone who knew what was happening.

It was a very timid crowd. Maybe it was because of the type of event it was? It attracted shy movie geeks who didn’t really know how to interact with strangers? I was desperate to just go up and start chatting to people. I just wanted to shout out “Talk to me, I’m funny.” But it looked like I might have scared them.

When finally we were shepherded into screen 2 to meet the volunteer co-ordinator the isolation continued as everyone point blank refused to sit beside anyone else. A regulation gap of one empty seat between each person appeared. I couldn’t do it. It just seemed too sad. So ignoring the protocol set out by my fellow free time givers I sat down beside the person who had gone ahead of me. She looked at me like I had two heads. I smiled and made some remark. Some quip that in my head sounded like a hilarious ice breaker. Judging by the look on her face it made me sound like a sex offender.

I looked to my right to see if anyone had followed my lead and decided that we were, in fact, all going to be working together and that there was no need to be shy. They hadn’t. In fact they too seemed to take my boldness as some sort of perversion and doubled the normal space that should be between us.

As I sat through the coordinators pompous and bloated chat about how he does this for the festival and the festival is great because he works for it and the festival changed cinema in Ireland because he has been volunteering for 8 years I started to question my motives. Then the supercilious clown started to evangelize Korean cinema and derided anyone who was going to go see Shutter Island during the festival.

I knew I only wanted to go see a few free movies. Between already being a pariah with co-volunteers and the coordinator being a complete tool I was pretty sure that this endeavour wasn’t for me. Normally I wouldn’t like to waste anyone’s time. But for this guy I’d make an exception.

As it turns out, my kind offer to help out was declined (I just sound bitter now.) Apparently, in what I guess is a sign of the times, they had over 400 applications for just under 200 positions. With unemployment on the rise, people have more time on their hands. And who wouldn’t want a free ticket to see Alice in Wonderland 3-D. (Me actually, I hate Tim Burton.)

Of course my recent dalliances with altruism started in October. I was in need of a holiday after escaping the evil clutches of Fraud Analysis. Money was tight so I needed to find something that would be cheap and interesting. So in situations like that I always resort to my friend and yours. Google. I entered the terms “volunteering” and “Europe” it brought be back a list of things and one of the options on that list was Pueblo Ingles.

Pueblo Ingles (or English Village to give it its literal translation) is a programme run in various locations around Spain, where Spanish people can go to improve their English. The programme is an intense experience for them as they are totally immersed for 8 days in the English language. From the moment they arrive for breakfast at 9 til bed time they have to speak English. The volunteers are all native English speakers and the only real skill they need is to be able to talk…a lot.

For me it was an amazing experience. Firstly the location was amazing. In a beautiful valley surrounded on all sides by mountains. It made getting mobile phone coverage impossible, which was fantastic. It completely took you out of the real world and there was only you and your Pueblo Ingles compatriots for the week.

The people I met were amazing. The Spanish people were so open and warm. For them it seemed a big deal that people would come and help them with their English without any monetary reward. They were very willing to talk about themselves and their culture in a foreign language. It must have been incredibly difficult for them.

They ‘Anglos’ or English speakers were fantastic too. There seemed to be a real sense of appreciation for the opportunity we had. Everyone made the utmost effort to helpful with the Spanish. It was also an opportunity for me to meet and chat to some people who I wouldn’t necessarily allow myself to get to know.

While it all sounds lovely it wasn’t all chats and tea. By the end of the week I found myself really tired of the sound of my own voice. As someone who enjoys his own company and is quite happy to spend hours (days sometimes) not talking to anyone it was hard to give up that liberty. Literally from dawn to dusk you are chatting and being social. Sometimes its hard to listen to someone who you know understands but can’t put their thoughts into words.

But its worth it. It is an amazing experience. One I hope to repeat again in May. I really can’t wait. I get to sample again the Spanish lifestyle which I’m much more suited to (siestas…greatest invention ever) It gives me a chance to meet and make new friends. And hopefully I will see some of my friends from my previous programme.

There really is a lot to be said for volunteering. It is a great way to kill time. You sometimes get free stuff (food, t-shirts). You feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You get to meet some good people.

Oh and other people get some benefit too. What’s not to like?

For those of you wondering about my to do list from last week I’m proud to report that I did all bar one of the items on the list. I wrote to the author Mike Gayle and he wrote back to me. He confirmed what I suspected from his book and website and is a really cool bloke. He also looked at my blog…which made me feel all warm and fuzzy at first. Then disappointed because it was my negative effort. Oh well. Onwards and upwards. I’m going to email some more authors and see if I can’t get them to have a look…sure why not. Now…who’s first?