Eric

Alcohol has played quite the part in my life. Since I turned 18 ( I was only drunk once before then…Honest) I have regularly enjoyed the glorious highs and the tragic lows that come part and parcel of a trip on the booze hound express. For most people, this is not something that will come as a surprise. For others… Really? Have you not met me?

I think everyone I know has seen me at some stage in various states of inebriation. The likelihood is if you met for the first time it was probably in a bar or at a party or over drinks somewhere. People who I have worked with will have had to wait a bit longer but I think in general, I make a drunken impression pretty quickly.

I like to think I am a charming, affable, drunk. Clever and witty, with a unique outlook on the world around. I tell people I love them, (although not you M.B. it never happened,) like to hug and generally don’t want the party to end. For the most part, this is the case.

Occasionally, very occasionally mind, I have gotten a bit cranky when tipsy. If I’m in a bad mood beforehand and things aren’t going my way, I might get annoyed. If I get caught up in a discussion, it could turn into a disagreement. I’m never violent but I have on maybe 3 incidents insulted someone aggressively. Once again I would like to apologise to the “pubic haired headed freak”(you know who you are.)

Other than that I think if more people were the same as me when they were drunk, An Garda Siochanna would have a lot less to do on a Saturday night, taxi drivers would probably be a little more pleasant to deal with and hospital emergency rooms wouldn’t have such a queue.

Although, now that I think about it I have actually been to A&E twice due to drunken escapades. Once from rollerblading at 4 in the morning which resulted in a badly sprained ankle and a bruised coccyx, but it was the next day when I went to St. James‘ Hospital.

The second time was another sprained ankle, but it wasn’t mine and it wasn’t my fault. Honest. She pulled me down and I landed on her ankle. Being the gentleman that I am I escorted her to the Hospital.

There was also the pretend time I went to the hospital. What happened was, a very good drinking ‘butty o mine’ was working a split shift. We had a few afternoon libations and he got what scientists refer to as ’the goo.’

So rather than suppressing this urge and going back to work to fulfil his commitment to his employer, we came up with a rather clever ruse to excuse him of his duties. I rang up his place of work and claimed to be a rather distressed motorist. The reason for my anxiety was that I had just hit their employee with my car whilst he was cycling back to work. I was distraught and the poor cyclist was in a deal of pain.

Off course he had to be taken away in ambulance. I was going to follow him to make sure he was ok. His employer, a publican, was saddened to hear this and hoped his employee would be ok and thanked me for ringing him and letting him know. Result. Back to the bar for a celebratory round or eleven.

The next day when my buddy returned to work with a suitable pain in the head for someone who had been in hospital after a run in with a car he was surprised to find that it wasn’t all rich tea and sympathy. Apparently his boss, knowing that he was living in a strange county, away from home and family, went to the hospital to see if he was ok or needed anything. With no record of any traffic accident or my friend, the boss put two and two together and proved he wasn’t wasting his time learning of his addition tables in school.

Other things on the not so clever but oh so fun when drunk list include:

• Singing Michael Bolton and Whitney Houston songs in public (Hi Lisa!!!)
• Stair Surfing (Sliding down the stairs on a part of your body)
• Losing my virginity to a Leprechaun
• Stair Surfing in front of (as a result of) an ex Girlfriends colleagues
• Wearing Zebra print tights under a black baby doll nightie
• Getting my ear pierced

I will admit to doing lots of stupid stuff whilst under the influence of alcohol. But no one has ever really got hurt and I’m very grateful for that. The latest drink aware advert has got me thinking about it though. That’s the advert where they show supposed cctv footage of people falling down and behaving anti socially whilst drunk. They put a laugh track over it so it is like an episode of You’ve Been Framed, but it is to highlight that what you might think is a great laugh when your drunk isn’t always.

I have to say I resent that a little. Falling down when your dancing because you’ve had a couple of margaritas and you’re dizzy because Kylie Minogue is ‘Spinning Around’ is funny. It being on You’ve Been Framed isn’t.

It seems like its just another example of nanny-ist ‘careful now’ attitude that the policy makers in this country have. The ones which say I can’t buy any alcohol after 10.30pm if I want to drink it in the comfort of my own home. Although I can buy 24 bottles of Stella Artois for 21euro before 10.30 thus ensuring that I drink en masse. Responsibly of course.

Who is the 10.30 law trying to protect. Do they think for the teenagers who are likely to be drinking , that it is past their bedtime? Do they think people who want to drink for the entire night won’t be able to organise themselves enough to get to a shop at 9pm and stock up?

The alcohol and licensing laws in this country are ridiculous. I’m not sure if it’s a throw back to the catholic church influence or just further proof that those ‘in charge’ are inept morons. As a grown up I am able to control and monitor my own drinking thank you very much. Just because ‘Anto Tracksuit-McDutchGold’ wants to get in a fight after a night in the Q bar should not effect me.

Maybe if we didn’t have every bar and night club closing at the same time we wouldn’t have a mass exodus of drunken clowns on to the street at the same time. If anyone has ever been to Waterford City to see the mayhem at the crossroads where the 3 nightclubs and all the fast food take-aways are will know what I’m talking about.

People will get disgustingly drunk and messy and might want to start a fight. I put a lot of this down to the attitude towards drink we have in Ireland. It’s almost a case of which came first the Chicken or the Egg. Do we pile as much booze into us as quickly as possible because we have archaic drinking laws or do we have archaic drinking laws because we pile as much booze into as quickly as possible.

It has been going on for years and the stereo type of the drunkard Irishman did not come out of nowhere. I think sometimes we see that as a charming stereo type as opposed to what it is. The disgusting depiction of abuse and violence caused by alcohol in this country for centuries.

It really is nothing to be proud of when you are in another country and a local turns around to and says “You Irish. You are crazy. Guinness. Whiskey”

When it comes down to it though, everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and I’m a big believer in as long as no one else gets hurt do what ever feels good. So if you want to get drunk and lairy and square up to someone for ‘looking at your bird,’ don’t be a dickhead.

If you want to go get shit-faced, dance like an eejit and spend the next day in bed because of a hang over, I say go for it. I’ll get the lucozade.