Altruism

As part of a much improved week, last week I had a meeting. I think in my head I thought of it as interview. I researched. I prepared. I thought about what I should wear. I even got a haircut. When I get there it was definitely not an interview. It was a very friendly chat about my wanting to do some volunteer work.

I was meeting with a lovely woman called Jean who is the Volunteer coordinator for a group called Fighting Words. It was founded by Roddy Doyle and is a centre which encourages kids to explore creative writing as a means of expressing themselves and finding their individuality. As I said a couple of weeks ago writing is something which I felt helped me find my own voice when I was younger so this seemed like a good opportunity to give some of that back. It also sounds like a lot of fun.

The way it works is that classes of kids come in and they workshop the first part of a story. They then go off and individually write an ending for that story. At the end of the session they are presented with a book of their story, including illustrations drawn by artists and with their photo on the back. Like a real book.

Sounds pretty cool to me. So I volunteered to help out. I’m not sure exactly what I’ll be doing just yet. Probably just helping with spelling or something. The way I look at it, I’ve got plenty of time on my hand and if there is some way I can help some one else find a passion for writing then I’m there. I forgot mine for long enough that I feel I owe it something.

This is the latest of my volunteering efforts. For someone who has over the years tended to be a bit self centred and dismissive of others good deeds it’s a bit of a change. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not volunteering because I’m a wonderful human being. I have time on my hands and get easily bored. Its like Joey in Friends (or was it Immanuel Kant) said. There is no such thing as a truly selfless act.

I recently volunteered to help out at the Jameson Dublin Film Festival. When I went to meet with them it was a very different experience to my Fighting Words meeting. It was a Saturday morning in the Savoy Cinema. There was between 15 and 20 people there for the same meeting. Everyone standing around the foyer of the cinema, no one really sure what was going on. Was this the right place to be? It was a very strange experience. Looking around trying to make some kind of connection with someone who knew what was happening.

It was a very timid crowd. Maybe it was because of the type of event it was? It attracted shy movie geeks who didn’t really know how to interact with strangers? I was desperate to just go up and start chatting to people. I just wanted to shout out “Talk to me, I’m funny.” But it looked like I might have scared them.

When finally we were shepherded into screen 2 to meet the volunteer co-ordinator the isolation continued as everyone point blank refused to sit beside anyone else. A regulation gap of one empty seat between each person appeared. I couldn’t do it. It just seemed too sad. So ignoring the protocol set out by my fellow free time givers I sat down beside the person who had gone ahead of me. She looked at me like I had two heads. I smiled and made some remark. Some quip that in my head sounded like a hilarious ice breaker. Judging by the look on her face it made me sound like a sex offender.

I looked to my right to see if anyone had followed my lead and decided that we were, in fact, all going to be working together and that there was no need to be shy. They hadn’t. In fact they too seemed to take my boldness as some sort of perversion and doubled the normal space that should be between us.

As I sat through the coordinators pompous and bloated chat about how he does this for the festival and the festival is great because he works for it and the festival changed cinema in Ireland because he has been volunteering for 8 years I started to question my motives. Then the supercilious clown started to evangelize Korean cinema and derided anyone who was going to go see Shutter Island during the festival.

I knew I only wanted to go see a few free movies. Between already being a pariah with co-volunteers and the coordinator being a complete tool I was pretty sure that this endeavour wasn’t for me. Normally I wouldn’t like to waste anyone’s time. But for this guy I’d make an exception.

As it turns out, my kind offer to help out was declined (I just sound bitter now.) Apparently, in what I guess is a sign of the times, they had over 400 applications for just under 200 positions. With unemployment on the rise, people have more time on their hands. And who wouldn’t want a free ticket to see Alice in Wonderland 3-D. (Me actually, I hate Tim Burton.)

Of course my recent dalliances with altruism started in October. I was in need of a holiday after escaping the evil clutches of Fraud Analysis. Money was tight so I needed to find something that would be cheap and interesting. So in situations like that I always resort to my friend and yours. Google. I entered the terms “volunteering” and “Europe” it brought be back a list of things and one of the options on that list was Pueblo Ingles.

Pueblo Ingles (or English Village to give it its literal translation) is a programme run in various locations around Spain, where Spanish people can go to improve their English. The programme is an intense experience for them as they are totally immersed for 8 days in the English language. From the moment they arrive for breakfast at 9 til bed time they have to speak English. The volunteers are all native English speakers and the only real skill they need is to be able to talk…a lot.

For me it was an amazing experience. Firstly the location was amazing. In a beautiful valley surrounded on all sides by mountains. It made getting mobile phone coverage impossible, which was fantastic. It completely took you out of the real world and there was only you and your Pueblo Ingles compatriots for the week.

The people I met were amazing. The Spanish people were so open and warm. For them it seemed a big deal that people would come and help them with their English without any monetary reward. They were very willing to talk about themselves and their culture in a foreign language. It must have been incredibly difficult for them.

They ‘Anglos’ or English speakers were fantastic too. There seemed to be a real sense of appreciation for the opportunity we had. Everyone made the utmost effort to helpful with the Spanish. It was also an opportunity for me to meet and chat to some people who I wouldn’t necessarily allow myself to get to know.

While it all sounds lovely it wasn’t all chats and tea. By the end of the week I found myself really tired of the sound of my own voice. As someone who enjoys his own company and is quite happy to spend hours (days sometimes) not talking to anyone it was hard to give up that liberty. Literally from dawn to dusk you are chatting and being social. Sometimes its hard to listen to someone who you know understands but can’t put their thoughts into words.

But its worth it. It is an amazing experience. One I hope to repeat again in May. I really can’t wait. I get to sample again the Spanish lifestyle which I’m much more suited to (siestas…greatest invention ever) It gives me a chance to meet and make new friends. And hopefully I will see some of my friends from my previous programme.

There really is a lot to be said for volunteering. It is a great way to kill time. You sometimes get free stuff (food, t-shirts). You feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You get to meet some good people.

Oh and other people get some benefit too. What’s not to like?

For those of you wondering about my to do list from last week I’m proud to report that I did all bar one of the items on the list. I wrote to the author Mike Gayle and he wrote back to me. He confirmed what I suspected from his book and website and is a really cool bloke. He also looked at my blog…which made me feel all warm and fuzzy at first. Then disappointed because it was my negative effort. Oh well. Onwards and upwards. I’m going to email some more authors and see if I can’t get them to have a look…sure why not. Now…who’s first?

Slide

I am having a bad week. There. I’ve said it. I really wanted this to be a place of positivity and good vibes. The amount of bitching and whining that goes on the internet is a shame. Sadly today, I’m going to keep with the trend.

So far in the last ten days, I have crashed my car, dealt with some of the most unhelpful people in the world, some of the most automated people in the world, forgot my keys, forgot my wallet, realised that while my lifestyle is great, having no money has its drawbacks when it comes to paying bills, fallen down the stairs and generally just been faced with the kind of challenges and test to make the old testament vengeful Trial of Job, God look like Pat Sharp in Fun House.

All this and the realisation that I am starting to look like some kind of homeless person.

The motor accident. Firstly, the most important thing. thankfully no one was seriously hurt. I was giving a friend a lift home and ended up going into the back of another car. Its in the hands of the Insurance company. I probably shouldn’t talk too much about the accident itself in case I violate some clause or other.

The ramifications of the accident. As I said thankfully no one was badly injured and that’s the most important thing. Doreen, however is probably heading on her last journey. The people in the insurance don’t seem to any value on sentiment (heartless swines) and will probably decide that the cost of repairing her is more than her actual value and will consign my good friend to the scrap yard. This hurts deeply but at the end of the day if its Doreen is the only casualty of this mishap I cannot be too ungrateful.

While the injuries weren’t serious there were obviously some bumps and bruises. The lady whose car I hit as been sore and stiff since and I wish her a speedy recovery. My friend had some nice bruises on her hip and shoulders and an all round soreness. She was very good about it all and I need to thank her for not holding it against me.

I had a couple of bumps and cuts. The worst was the effects of the airbag. I’m not sure if it was burns or a reaction to the powder that they case that stuff in. Either way, parts of my face were beautifully pink and blotchy. Kind of like the Singing Detective with less dancing nurses.

And by the way if you’ve never been around an activated airbag its disgusting. It smells like something with really wet hair crawled inside something smelly, died and then set itself on fire.

The guards were very helpful and understanding. I didn’t have my licence and Insurance Certificate so I had to present these to my local station within 10 days. Now I’ve never really had any dealings with our police force so I was suitably intimidated and petrified. I brought what I thought was the requisite paper work to the Sundrive Station as soon as I got home.

However, it appears what I thought was my Insurance Certificate was not. It was in fact my policy schedule. Ah!

Here’s the thing. You remember that super, funny, little piece about how great it is to de clutter and free your life of unnecessary crap that you don’t need. Well one part of that was to go through all my paper work and get rid of any old stuff that was basically duplicating other stuff…

I think you know where I’m going with this.

So I rang my insurance company. You know the procedure

Press 1 for cars. Press 2 for vans. Press 334 for Intergalactic/Time Vehicles.

Eventually I got through to a voice and explained to him what had happened. How I had had an accident and needed a copy of my Insurance Certificate.

“Ok Mr. Holohan, that’s no problem at all, I’m just going to put you through to our renewals department” said R2D2

I wasn’t really sure why I was being put through to renewals but ok. I then spoke to CP30. I explained to him what had happened. He seemed a little confused.

“I see your policy is up for Renewal Mr. Holohan. Would you like to that now.?”

“Emmm. No. See I don’t actually have a car at the moment that I need to insure.”

I then explained again what I needed. My protocol droid friend was really confused now. I shouldn’t have been put through to him at all. Customer service should be dealing with me. He was going to transfer me back to them, but to ensure I didn’t have to go through all this again he would leave a very detailed note on my a/c. So off I went again.

“Hello T-800 speaking, how can I help you Mr Holohan. Ah I see your policy is almost due for renewal I’ll just transfer you to our Renewals Department”

No!!!! Stop. I had to raise my voice and get this Austrian accented robot to listen. I told him there should be a note explaining what I needed. There wasn’t.

I explained, again, what had happened and what I needed. I told him that I needed to do what ever is normally done when people lose their insurance certificates. T-800 then put me on hold and went to speak to his supervisor. Eventually he came back and told me they could re issue my certificate but it would cost me 20 Euro.

Fine. I just wanted to get it sorted and over and done with. He called out my details and asked me to confirm my address. When I gave a different address to the one he had on the system T-800 self destructed.

I then spoke to Bender. I explained to Bender that I had moved house since I took out the insurance and I had informed the brokers of this and that should it not be them that informs the insurance company. Bender was sure it was just a clerical mix up and it wouldn’t be a problem sending the cert to my address, however….

I did not like the sound of that however. Apparently because I had moved address into a new post code I could be liable for a premium on my insurance. How could this be right. Padraig Harrington could hit a ball from my old house to my new one. I really couldn’t take much more of this. I couldn’t deal with lowly androids anymore. I needed to speak to the Big Cheese. I needed to speak to the supervisor.

“Get me Optimus Prime” I demanded.

Optimus I have to say was very good. He listened to me whinge and gripe. He gave the positive listening noises like they are trained. He apologised for any inconvenience. He accepted that I had a point but of course insisted that the company is perfectly within its rights to apply these charges. However as I’ve had a poor customer experience he would resolve it with out charge.

You have got to admire quality programming like that.

And that my friends, was just the beginning of what has been one of the shittiest, most stressful 10 day periods of my life. I could tell you about the unhappy little trolls that live behind the glass in the social welfare office. Or how utility companies have decided that I should give them money first so that they can then charge me for their service.

Its just too bleak. And like I said I want this to be a place of good feeling and high 5’s. So I need to end on a positive note.

I have been reading a book called “The To Do List” by Mike Gayle. It is a very funny story of the authors attempt to do his Ultimate To Do List. He gives himself a year to do all the things he feels he needs to get done just so as he can be a proper grown up. At first I thought it was just a self help book cynically disguised as a slice of life to trick me into reading it. Now I don’t mind if it is (I don’t think it is), I just really enjoyed reading it.

I looked up the author and judging by his website he seems pretty cool. He gives tips for wannabe writers and generally just seems like a nice bloke. And his brother used to read the news on The Big Breakfast… which is pretty cool in my book.

So in honour of The To Do List and to get my good vibrations back on track I’ve done my own little to do list for the week.

It goes

• Get a haircut
• Apply for Tax Credit/Claim back Tax
• Write Short Story about a guy trying to write a Romance Novel
• Email Mike Gayle and tell him I enjoyed his book
• Try and get him to read my blog
• Contact various financial institutions about stuff I’ve been putting off
• Do some more exercise.
• Enter different short story into a competition.

So check back next week and see how I went with that. And I promise next week my hippy manifesto of good times and happy go lucky tales will be back in full effect. Hopefully.