Undertaker

My collection of tweaks and aches brought on by everyday events is gathering momentum. When I bend down my knees click, when I stand my ankles wobble. The collarbone I broke the night before my inter cert has started to throb when it’s cold and sting when it's hot. I ran for the bus earlier only to feel my back spasm in my first stride. When I was younger I could play full length football matches everyday without even stretching. These days when I play badminton the warm ups last longer than the game.

I was watching some WWE recently. The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Big Show have grey in their goatee. So do I, now that I think of it.

It's hard to say anything new and fresh about ageing that hasn't been said countless times before by bad TV comedians. I guess we're just lucky that we are alive now. The life expectancy of affluent men living in London in the 16th century was 35, 25 if they were poor. I imagine a jippy knee is preferable to the smallpox or diphtheria.

There is the wide held belief that men tend to make a bigger deal of being sick than women do. It is, of course, the fairer sex who makes these claims but, as a man, it’s hard to refute these allegations. Especially when you submit the evidence of my behaviour the last time I was properly ill.

In mid February 2010 I looked death square in the face and cried like a little baby. I’m not a big believer in putting a brave face on things, so when I was suffering from a tummy bug, I suffered aloud.

Anyone who would listen got to hear of how much pain I was in and a blow by blow description of my constant back and forth visits to the toilet. I was convinced my insides wanted to get out one way or another. If I wasn’t in the bathroom I was lying on bed feeling very sorry for myself.

Such was my misery and my conviction that my appointment with the grim reaper was imminent that I began to plan my own funeral.  The type of service, the music, the food served. In my self pity I event managed the world’s greatest send off.

I would like a non secular ceremony, with an open forum so if someone wished to share a story about me, good or bad, they could so. I don’t want it to be a place for people to mourn but to come and remember me.

 I want the cheapest coffin available, wicker or plywood, as I would prefer to be cremated and there is no point wasting money on expensive firewood. Ideally I think I’d like my box to purple but I won’t complain if it’s not.

Food wise, I had thought that my ashes could be used to season a casserole but this sounds distasteful to anyone who I have suggested it to, so I’ll probably stick to sandwiches. I would like a variety of music played including Vanderlyle Cry-baby Geek by The National, Mr. Boombastic by Shaggy and Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs. I don’t particularly like the Kaiser Chiefs song but it’s impossible not to sing along to and I think that would be pretty amusing at a funeral.

My religious beliefs, or lack thereof, mean I don’t really have lot expectancy from death. I hope it’s painless and quick. I’d be very surprised if there is an afterlife but if there is I’ll gladly hold my hand up and admit that I was wrong.

This might not be a subject that’s to your taste. Some people don’t like to think about death. And if anyone is experiencing a loss that is still raw, I don’t want to bring up sad memories or make light of the subject. Death is something that comes to us all and we deal with in our own way. I just want to make sure mine is done right.

The start of this piece was taken from a post I did on my other blog Bus-to-Move. It came from a random thought as do all the posts on the site but it led to me to want to write about this in a bit more detail.

Communication

So did you miss me?

When I wasn’t posting?

Blogs?

The thing you’re reading now?

I hadn’t posted any for almost a month. Nothing? I’m glad to see I’m making an impact on all your lives. Luckily I’m not sensitive or might not ever write again.
What’s that? You did miss me!!! Oh you guys, shucks.

Anyway, placating my ego aside, the good news is service has returned to normal here at InsertWittyPopCultureReferenceHere. I posted a quickie blog last week and hopefully for March we’ll have the more usual one a week. After some technical difficulties we are back in full effect. I say technical difficulties, what actually happened was I had no internet service.



If you’d have told me 4 years ago that being without the instant access to the “Information Superhighway,” (when was the last time anyone called it that?) would cause be such hardship I would have laughed in your face and poured Pepsi on your shoe. I didn’t need constant access to emails or social networking. I was fine living here in the real world thank you very much.

But times have indeed changed. When my old housemate moved out on the 27th of January taking with him his high-speed wireless internet connection I was left in something of a quandary. I didn’t want to sign a 12 month contract with a provider and the pay as you go options are just too slow or limited for me. So I took some time to weigh up my options.

For some people this would have just meant they would be without online gambling or internet porn for a while. This was true of me but it also meant I couldn’t post blogs or do any research. It also meant that I hadn’t a bogs notion of what was going on in the world.

I’ve spoken before about the brain killing effect of TV but I’m not sure if I told you that I actually got rid of my TV. I couldn’t take it, Daytime and Reality TV. Stupid American sitcoms. It had to go. It also meant I had no access to news programmes.

In fairness the quality of news reporting is no great shakes. The sensationalism of Sky News desperately trying to fill 24 hours with nothing stories about the engagement of Prince William and someone named Kate was pathetic. The failure of Ireland’s national broadcaster to never question the behaviour of our politicians (who also happen to be the ones in charge of the purse strings) was no great shakes either.

I could listen to the radio I suppose, but I have to say I find nothing more irritating than the sound of radio presenters either giving the mindless morons of the world a forum to air their idiotic opinions or the actual idiotic opinions of the radio presenters. Ironic coming from someone who gives his idiotic opinion on a blog, I know.

I think as a child, listening to the radio was always about the music and that’s what I want from it. I want the ‘DJ’s’ to shut up and play some tunes. Besides when I used to listen to news radio first thing in the morning on the way to a job I hated, it was just depressing. Job losses, murder, drugs, incompetent officials. I can’t be dealing with that before my coffee.

Then there is the newspaper. Well it’s the ink you see. It makes my hands go all black. Not to mention the fact that the broadsheets are so big and wieldy. I could get the tabloid version of them but that would just give away the fact that I can’t handle a ‘real’ newspaper.



So having exhausted traditional media the internet really is a vital tool for keeping up to date. Twitter is a fantastic resource if you want to follow a particular news story. A site like boards.ie, when you get past the unfortunate opinions, is a great place to get links to facts and information. And I was without my usual reference points in what was a very important time, personally, universally and internationally.

On a personal level, I was completely in the dark on one of the most dramatic days of the year. Football Transfer Window Deadline Day. It was more important than ever this year, with the series of events surrounding a man who I considered a hero. The will he, won’t he saga of Fernando Torres move to Chelsea had me on tenterhooks. I only felt the full force of his betrayal when I saw him the next day on the front cover of The Sun, of all papers, when I was in a shop buying a croissant.

Then, in even bigger news, The Rock returned to the WWE. This may be of little interest to you but anyone who knows the extent of my man love for The Rock will understand. I didn’t find out about his Monday night return until much later in the week.

None of this, of course compares to the turmoil in Egypt or Libya. Real news effecting people worldwide. And I keep seeing that guy Enda Kenny on TV’s in shop windows. Did he get sacked or something?

I guess being incommunicado isn’t all bad.