Confirmation

Around this time 23 years ago I was preparing for what, at the time was one of the biggest occasions of my life. Eleven year old Jayhaitch was studying hard in anticipation of what was ‘the greatest gift’ he would ever receive. I was getting ready for my Confirmation.

As a member of the Catholic Church it is a rite of passage for everyone around the age of 11 or 12 to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation in order to solidify their bond with God and the Catholic Church. It was a very serious thing and the pre adolescent me thought it was a huge responsibility and great honour at the same time. Mostly because I was told that it was.

Months and months of preparation were involved. My classmates and I had to go into school 30 minutes early everyday for extra religious education. We read various passages of the bible. We learned new hymns for the ceremony and made posters and decorations for the church. Each morning we were taught something different to prepare us for the upcoming event.

The promise of a stronger connection with our God was offered, as long as we were willing to accept him and live by his teachings. Excitement coursed through me as the day got closer. It was all we could talk about in class.

Everybody got a brand new outfit. I got a grey leather jacket, dark slacks, a white pinstripe shirt and, something I was really proud of at the time, a skinny leather grey tie. I got a fancy flat top haircut which involved me using hair mousse for the first time. I looked fantastic. I imagine how Kate Middleton felt before the wedding was something similar to what I was experiencing.

All this was of course for the showing me off to family and friends who, because they were so impressed at what a handsome little catholic I was, would give me a card with money inside it. Each of my friends had plans for what they were going to do with their ‘confo money.’ Some were getting BMX’s, others a Commodore 64. I think I bought a basketball.

One part of the ceremony was The Pledge. A promise made before God that you will not drink alcohol until you are 18. In years gone by it had to be made in public but by the time I made my confirmation it was a secret pledge so you could choose to make it or not. Planning to take it, I spent the day before drinking 6 cans of Club Shandy (all 0.05% volume of alcohol and legal to sell to minors) so I wouldn’t miss on booze. I believe I broke the pledge five times...which in fairness for an Irish teenager is not bad.

Then there was the actual confirmation. With my sponsor, my Godmother Ann, leading me up to the altar, the archbishop asked what name I was taking. I chose the confirmation name Peter, mostly because he lobbed off the soldier’s ear in the Garden of Gethsemane (which by the way has inspired way more works of art than an act of violence should.) Then he confirmed me, John Patrick Peter, as a member of the church and I went off to live my life as a good catholic.

Or rather, I didn’t. I write this piece as a way of confirming myself an atheist. Not one of those religion bashing, smug, condescending ones. If you believe in god I won’t judge you. In the same way, I expect to not be considered evil because I don’t share your way of thinking. And I promise I won’t try and covert you if you afford me the same respect. For me, it just doesn’t make any logical sense.

So, on the 30th of April 2011 I, John Holohan, taking the name Beer Belly Jarvis, wish to confirm my Atheism. I pledge that I will get drunk at least twice in the next seven days and my outfit for this special occasion is flip flops, green shorts, a Mr. Grumpy T-shirt and a grey hoodie.

If anyone wishes to send me cards with money in them send me a private email and I will forward you my address.

Old Schtick Part 2

I wrote this stuff in an attempt to impress a girl. She was having a hard time at home with her sister who was a born again christian.

Drawing inspiration from the likes of 'The Life of Brian' and Bill Hicks I decided that if I could satirize religion (this is 26 year olds me attempt at satire,)it would be a sure fire way to win her heart. Or at least loosen some buttons.

The last line was misguided attempt to tackle a second sacred cow of Americana...like I said, I was trying to be like Bill Hicks


10 Things you didn't know about God.

1) Contrary to the popular belief he wasn't born in a stable. He was born in a private Maternity Ward in Uptown Bethlehem. His mother Melanie had an epidural.

2)He performed his first miracle at the age of two months when he turned his mothers breast milk to wine

3)He once got a D in Religious Education when he could not explain how he could be 3 persons in one. Judas got an A for his comparison of Jesus to a Shamrock.

4) The argument of evolution over God Creation was caused by the early arrival of puberty. The Apes were also made in his likeness, he just couldn't shave very well.

5)His first girlfriend was Elizabeth the Millers Daughter. She dumped him after he told his friends he had seen her boobs.

6)His stigmata were caused by an incident with some javelins and a slippy gym floor.

7)He always ate egg and chips on a Thursday.

8)He was a member of the Bad Dudes before joining rival gang the apostles.

9)The loaves and fishes story was actually a shared McFish Sandwich he and Peter had after a night on the beer.

10) He was gay....So was Elvis.

Kinda Random

So I feel like I owe you people something. I didn’t get to post anything a couple of weeks ago so I feel as if I’ve short changed you, the reader.

So in order to make it up to you I’ve decided that instead of a full blog, I will just share with you some very random thoughts that I have been having lately. Nothing too heavy or life changing. Just a couple of opinions, reviews and recommendations that you can take or leave as you wish.

1) I love Custard Creams. I had an aunt who used to work in Jacobs when I was a kid. We used to get loads of biscuits. Goldgrain, Chocolate Goldgrain, Fig Rolls, Kimberly to name but a few. And then there was Custard Creams. Custard Creams are a biscuit sandwich with a dollop of vanilla, not custard (I don't actually like custard) flavoured cream-esque substance between them.

As a boy I used to eat them by the dozens.

Then as time went by, they seemed to become passé. I didn’t want bland Custard Creams. I could have colossal chocolate chip cookies or magnificent muffins. My tea time snack had moved on. I was a sophisticated cosmopolitan man about town now. I wanted new and exciting taste sensations.

That was until recently. I was in work and one of my wonderful colleagues had bought a packet of Londis brand Custard Creams. I was having a cup of tea so I thought sure I’d have one. It was amazing. On top of all the biscuit-y goodness that was teasing my palate it tasted like nostalgia. And since then I’ve been hooked. I’m on about a pack a week. I may need to see if I can find a confectionary rehab programme.

2) I really enjoy working in Muji. It’s a very relaxed atmosphere, my colleagues are great people. The customers are usually pretty nice. I haven’t had any bad ones anyway. I know one or two have appeared but I’ve been lucky to not have to deal with them. Instead I get to chat to nice customers who are pretty chilled out, (in fairness, its hard to get stressed out about buying pens,) don’t mind passing the time of day with you and being friendly.

As part time in between jobs go. Its pretty cool.

3) As a symbol of a something that is supposed to be about love for one another and human compassion the Crucifix is pretty fucking severe. In the grounds of Mount Argus church there is full size crucifix with a statue of Jesus nailed to it.

I know I’m not the first person to point out the hypocrisy of Christian (or any) religion to profess a love for mankind and yet to have such a history of massacre and brutality. This is not an original thought. It is however something that continues to this day when we should all have reached a state of enlightenment.

Instead, when we send our children (mankind’s…not mine obviously) to school they are still being emotionally blackmailed into believing that Jesus endured the tortures of having spikes driven through his extremities and died nailed to a cross for their souls. Catholic guilt starts with the Catholic guilt trip.

4) For a more succinct take on why religion is bullshit I suggest you take in the works of George Carlin. When it came to religion or any of humanity’s bullshit and hypocrisy, George was truly one of the great minds of the last 100 years. And he was hilarious. As a comedian his material is unparalleled and his influence is immeasurable. If you’re a fan of any contemporary comedian worth his salt, then you will have felt Carlin’s reach in their work.

A clever and erudite man, George Carlin was as controversial as they come. His disregard for the falseness and hypocrisy of fame led him to seek out an alternative path. He turned his back on a successful career in light entertainment comedy in search for something more fulfilling. He became one of the most challenging and outspoken voice of the 60’s and 70’s. The only thing that could compare to his anti-authoritarian feelings was his love of language and he managed to tie these beautifully together in his piece called ‘7 words you can never say on television.’ If you haven’t heard it, stop reading this bullshit and go find it. Get some use out of the Internet for crying out loud.

5) Spanking. What is that all about? I’ve a pretty liberal outlook when it comes to sexual peccadilloes but honestly. Has anyone ever really taken a sexual pleasure from being on either end of the act of the smacking a bare hand on a bare ass? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done it. But purely in a ‘sex is fun, lets have a laugh’ kind of way. I’ve gotten no particular pleasure out of it. Is it supposed to be taken seriously?

I only ask because my housemates seem to get an enormous amount of enjoyment from it. I can only assume they are enjoying it because they are always doing it. Seven or eight slaps a time. Judging by the yelps of delight he is the spanker and she the spankee. I might be wrong, I only have what I can hear morning, noon and night to go by. Each to their own I guess.

6) I wanted to a list of ten things but I’ve decided I might try hold off on some of them for proper blogs. So in the mean time, here are some things I recommend you go find and enjoy.

Questionable Content. It’s like a rom-com-indie-pop-techno-babble-sci-fi-sex-triangle web comic. Its been keeping me amused.

George Carlin. I talked about him earlier. He will make you laugh and think. I would suggest albums such as Class Clown, AM/FM, Jammin in New York and Life is worth losing. You can probably see most of his material on You Tube.

Shutter Island. An old fashioned mystery thriller directed by Martin Scorsese and a movie that finally allowed me to take Leonardo DiCaprio seriously as an actor.

Water Music by T.C. Boyle. A bonkers brilliant book that a friend gave be to read. Set at the end of the 18th Century showing a side of London that Dickens never wrote about and the Jungle adventures of an explorer trying to make a name for himself in the world.

House M.D. It can be a little repetitive with its mystery illness/trial and error/ find the cure formula but the characters in this programme are so well crafted that it is much more interesting as a study of people than a medical drama. Hugh Laurie is outstanding and Olivia Wilde is incredibly hot.

He Drinks Tequila by Crystal Swing. Awesome!!!!

So there you go. Just a little to give you some kind of an idea of what’s going on at the moment. Normal blogging service will resume later in the week.