Headlights

"So you're leaving the country and you can't give me a lift to work anymore? You're actually going to let me get two buses every day while you go and live in some island paradise, walking around in your bikini, drinking mojitos and eyeing up tanned muscleheads? You Selfish Bitch"


This is not an actual conversation that I had. It could have been if I weren't so socially intuitive. I didn't feel it was the right place to express those feelings.


So here we are in the second month of 2010. February marks the one year anniversary of an occasion of mixed emotions for me. For it was this time last year that I was abandoned (that 'might' be a bit harsh) by a loved one. But I did get a car.


My best friend Lisa had just gotten a new job in the Cayman Islands and would be leaving the country. I was conflicted. I was disappointed to be losing my drinking buddy and confidante. I was excited for her wonderful opportunity. I was kinda wondering would she sleep with me before she left...youknowwhatimsayin... (I should point out that she didn't, she wouldn't, I never suggested it out of respect for our friendship and she is probably going to punch me for writing it down. ) And I was worried how the hell I was going to get to work every morning.


On top of being my go to guy (girl) for good times and laughter, for the past two years, more or less every day, Lisa had been giving me a lift to and from work. Unless she had a meeting or I was too hungover to get up on time, my good buddy Lisa B. drove me to work in the mornings and most days waited an extra 30 mins to give me a lift home. Now she was leaving? That was just...downright...inconvienent.

I don't know if any of you take Dublin Bus these days. It smells. Its dirty. Its full of people hacking and spluttering strains of germs that could lead to the type of global hysteria that you see nowadays when Miss Piggy gets the sniffles.

The latest phenomenon to hit Dublin Bus is two fold. Both of which lead to your aural senses being attacked by bad music being played on poor equipment. You either have the seemingly Eastern European with the incredibly loud, hardcore/electro/techno/noize (thats with a 'z' to emphasis its shitness) played through cheap earphones which offer no protection to passers by. Or you have the school girl in her fake Ugg boots minus the pyjamas this time, it is a school day, and Le Coq Sportif school bag, playing Rhinanna or Akon on their phone. Over and over and over again.

Either way, it's rubbish music, with rubbish speakers, making a rubbish noise, listened to by rubbish people on a rubbish bus.

So what i'm trying to say is, I don't like public transport. And as someone who lived in Harolds Cross and worked out in Citywest this was going to provide a problem. Someone who at 32 years of age had still not bothered to learn to drive.

Its not that i never bothered. I had tried before. But i just didn't follow through. And my confidence in my ability to master an automobile was fairly low. I could drive a car. I just couldn't stop, turn, park or reverse it. But when I weighed up the options there was only on thing for it.

The next time I went to visit my soon to be departing buddy, I presented her with my idea almost as soon as she opened the door. "Lisa", i said as i unveiled my brilliant concept. " I want to buy Doreen"




This is Doreen. She's 12 years old. She's from Waterford. She's smart, reliable, responsive and despite a bit of a rough start she generally treats me well. Which is more than can be said for most of the women in my life.

For the previous seven or eight years she had belonged to Lisa. First as a little run around in Tramore Co. Waterford before laterly being part of Lisa's move to the 'big' city for her new job and career in Account Management and Sales Marketing.

So from a Bumpkin-Mobile to a Sex and the City style runaround (Yes, I know those women didn't drive, but i'm going for a certain imagery people) Doreen had been good to Lisa and Lisa was good to Doreen. She christened her Doreen because she was green. And well, Doreen rhymes with green. It makes sense if you know Lisa.

However, as Lisa prepared to leave the Emerald Isle (not the Doreen Isle, you'll notice), she was faced with the harsh reality of leaving the most loyal dependable friend that she is ever had (not to mention me) behind.

She also needed cash. And fast. She needed as much start up capitol as she could lay her hands on before starting her new life in Grand Cayman, and while Doreen had been a companion, now she was an asset that needed liquidating.

So as she was starting to consider placing an ad in the Buy and Sell, and all the hassle that that entailed my idea to buy Doreen saved her a lot of hassle. The benefits for her in my purchasing were

She knew where i lived if there was any issue with payment.
I was willing to wait until she was actually leaving so she had a car up until her last day in Dublin
I was unlikely to sue my good friend if I wasn't happy with my purchase
I would continue to call her Doreen

The pluses for me taking it off her hands were

I knew the car. I knew she was generally reliable
I needed a car that i could learn to drive in. And while i hope to have Doreen for years to come shes a sturdy mature lady that doesn't need to rely on her looks to get by. The odd scratch her and there would not bother Doreen.
It saved me having to go to a dealer and pretend I have any kind of clue about cars. Going around kicking the tyres and tutting isn't fooling anybody
I would be doing my friend a good turn before she left me.
I would be able to call my car Doreen without anyone being able to question my motives. It had that name when I bought her.

So we agreed. I would give Lisa €1000 and for that I would take ownership of Doreen Greene (yes, of course she has a full name). A 98 Waterford reg Nissan Micra GX 1.1ltr engine with 70,000 miles on the clock. As a couple of bonus sundrys that came with Doreen I got, a functioning car stereo with CD player, a hands free kit and phone charger that Lisa 'forgot' to return to her old job, an in-car dirt devil vacuum and a bright yellow lock for the the gearstick/handbrake.

Oh...i've recently discovered that I also got an ashtray full of chewed gum, that the seller was supposed to clean out before she gave me the car. Luckily I don't smoke so I can forgive her. Besides she had other things on her mind.

Someday, I will tell you all about the stresses and strains of learning to drive, dealing with mechanics and clipping the side of a Bin Lorry. I might even tell you about saying goodbye to Lisa, tearful train station hug et al. But for now, I just want people to know. I'm on the roads.

So as the old sergent from Hill Street Blues used to say. Lets be careful out there.

So how am I doing so far. Are we all liking the blog? Well if so why not click on the follow button on the side there. As a reward when I get a certain amount of followers I will post a little short story i wrote. Its funny and gross. I can't tell you how many I need before I post it. Like George Clooney said in Up in the Air. "I have a figure in mind but I haven't hit it yet"

So follow me...please. I'm a very needy person