Wenceslas

“I just got Mam a bamboo vegetable steamer for Xmas. That’s a good present isn’t it?”

I overheard this particular piece of genius at around 3 p.m. last Christmas eve. I was standing at the bus stop and this person was talking on his mobile. He was a grown man so he couldn’t use youth as an excuse for such a preposterous gift.

I looked away to hide a smirk and I realised I wasn’t the only one. The other potential Dublin Bus passengers mirrored my look of bemusement at the ludicrousness of both the statement and the sentiment.

If I were to hand my Mother a kitchen utensil (regardless of whether it was made of a flexible wood or not) on the 25th of December, I’m sure I would left in no doubt that its more than just any thought that counts. There is also the strong possibility that I would be picking bamboo splinters from hair whilst having to clean up the debris.

Don’t get me wrong. I can’t say I find it easy shopping for Christmas gifts and I don’t just mean for my mum. My dad is just as difficult, I have no idea what my brothers are into and when I ask my sister what she would like, she smiles and says ‘I don’t mind.’ However, despite the nigh impossible nature of the task, I managed to complete most of my festive shopping for this year.

I just need to get one or two things for some children of friends and I’m done. It was actually relatively painless. I’m not overly enamoured with my selection, but faced with the budgetary constraints of a part time shop assistant, I did OK.

I went mostly with DVD’s, CD’s and books as token ideas. Stuff I know the recipient would like but I would have preferred to have given more personal gifts that required a bit more effort than just running to Tower Records and queuing.

Time was a problem. I’ve never been busier in the run up to Christmas. Writing books, working in Muji, meeting friends who I neglected to write books, going to gigs. All this has taken a toll on my seasonal Santa sponsored sharing.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, I’m really sorry. I didn’t get you anything this year.

That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you. Oh no. I didn’t have time to get you all individual presents, but I did have time to speak to one guy for whom time isn’t an issue.

Dear Santa

Hi, how’s it going. Remember me. It’s Jayhaitch from Crumlin. You brought me the Casio keyboard in 87. It was great thanks a million…I really should have taken lessons, but I was always just happy to plink and plonk the keys. I don’t want you think I didn’t appreciate it.

I know I’m not supposed to be writing to you anymore. As an adult I’m supposed to pretend you don’t exist so that you concentrate on the younger kids.

That’s cool, I can dig that. But here’s the thing. I have actually been super good this year; I’ve cut back on the booze. I’m always positive and try to help people. I don't talk about people behind their back. Seriously….I’ve been a relative saint this year.

And it’s not even that I’m looking for gifts for myself. Honestly I’m fine Santa, I don’t need anything. But life has been super hectic recently and I haven’t had a chance to get anything for my friends. So I was wondering if you could help me out. Why don’t I give you my list and see what you can do. I don’t expect miracles or anything.

They are all great people. Some of them have young families or are having kids in the New Year. If you could see your way to making sure they are all happy and healthy that would be very cool.

I don’t know if you heard, but due some serious mismanagement by a series of incompetent buffoons, Ireland has been a bit economically unstable lately. If you could make sure none of my friends suffer because of this that would be great. I really couldn’t care less about bankers, politicians and fat cat businessmen. You can let them swing if you want, but if you could just make sure my friends are ok for work and can pay the bills, you’d be a legend.

Have you been reading Blog, Santa? Insertwittypopculturereferencehere? I think you’d really enjoy it. I really enjoy doing it. Being a writer is great. I have a few friends who are doing stuff they love doing too. It’s great to see them following their dreams. I’m very proud of them all. I know you’re something of a patron of the arts, so you should really make it so they do really well in 2011.

If you do that I promise I’ll be even better this year. I’ll even cut out the dubious 'relationship choices' … although I’m sure as a red blooded man you can understand some that.

I know not everyone can have a great year and there has to be sadness in some peoples life. If it’s a case that any of my friends have a tough time could you make sure they have support. If bad things happen, let them find solace somewhere. Can you make sure they know they can always talk to me if they want?

So you see Santa…Its not like I’m being greedy or mean or anything. I mean if you want to get me a publishing deal or a girlfriend who looks like Penelope Cruz, I’m very cool with that, but you should look after my friends first.

Yours sincerely

Jayhaitch.

So you see it’s not like I forgot about you guys completely. I’m sending you Christmas wishes and I’ve dedicated a blog to you. Surely that’s better than socks and Lynx deodorant box set.I can always get you a veg steamer for your birthday?