Confirmation

Around this time 23 years ago I was preparing for what, at the time was one of the biggest occasions of my life. Eleven year old Jayhaitch was studying hard in anticipation of what was ‘the greatest gift’ he would ever receive. I was getting ready for my Confirmation.

As a member of the Catholic Church it is a rite of passage for everyone around the age of 11 or 12 to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation in order to solidify their bond with God and the Catholic Church. It was a very serious thing and the pre adolescent me thought it was a huge responsibility and great honour at the same time. Mostly because I was told that it was.

Months and months of preparation were involved. My classmates and I had to go into school 30 minutes early everyday for extra religious education. We read various passages of the bible. We learned new hymns for the ceremony and made posters and decorations for the church. Each morning we were taught something different to prepare us for the upcoming event.

The promise of a stronger connection with our God was offered, as long as we were willing to accept him and live by his teachings. Excitement coursed through me as the day got closer. It was all we could talk about in class.

Everybody got a brand new outfit. I got a grey leather jacket, dark slacks, a white pinstripe shirt and, something I was really proud of at the time, a skinny leather grey tie. I got a fancy flat top haircut which involved me using hair mousse for the first time. I looked fantastic. I imagine how Kate Middleton felt before the wedding was something similar to what I was experiencing.

All this was of course for the showing me off to family and friends who, because they were so impressed at what a handsome little catholic I was, would give me a card with money inside it. Each of my friends had plans for what they were going to do with their ‘confo money.’ Some were getting BMX’s, others a Commodore 64. I think I bought a basketball.

One part of the ceremony was The Pledge. A promise made before God that you will not drink alcohol until you are 18. In years gone by it had to be made in public but by the time I made my confirmation it was a secret pledge so you could choose to make it or not. Planning to take it, I spent the day before drinking 6 cans of Club Shandy (all 0.05% volume of alcohol and legal to sell to minors) so I wouldn’t miss on booze. I believe I broke the pledge five times...which in fairness for an Irish teenager is not bad.

Then there was the actual confirmation. With my sponsor, my Godmother Ann, leading me up to the altar, the archbishop asked what name I was taking. I chose the confirmation name Peter, mostly because he lobbed off the soldier’s ear in the Garden of Gethsemane (which by the way has inspired way more works of art than an act of violence should.) Then he confirmed me, John Patrick Peter, as a member of the church and I went off to live my life as a good catholic.

Or rather, I didn’t. I write this piece as a way of confirming myself an atheist. Not one of those religion bashing, smug, condescending ones. If you believe in god I won’t judge you. In the same way, I expect to not be considered evil because I don’t share your way of thinking. And I promise I won’t try and covert you if you afford me the same respect. For me, it just doesn’t make any logical sense.

So, on the 30th of April 2011 I, John Holohan, taking the name Beer Belly Jarvis, wish to confirm my Atheism. I pledge that I will get drunk at least twice in the next seven days and my outfit for this special occasion is flip flops, green shorts, a Mr. Grumpy T-shirt and a grey hoodie.

If anyone wishes to send me cards with money in them send me a private email and I will forward you my address.