Nightmare

So I’ve learned an important lesson today. I should not drink coffee after 9pm.



I’ve been awake best part of 22 hours now and am showing no signs of getting to sleep anytime soon. So instead of lying in my bed tossing and turning I’ve decided to climb aboard my trusty laptop and do the latest instalment of what by now must surely be your favourite randomly updated collection of thoughts from a semi employed halfwit with an unwarranted superiority complex.


Don’t worry; however, this won’t be a random stream of conscience written by a sleep deprived madman. I’m all for challenging the accepted norm and pushing my perception of reality and the norm. That doesn’t mean I’ll be sitting here typing until something resembling a thought appears. I’ve read ‘On the Road’ and frankly, Kerouac is a load of nonsense. The reason that guy took so many drugs was to convince himself that what he was producing was literature of any quality.

No what I want to talk about is the thing that I am dearly missing as I sit here at 7:40 am. Sleep.

Who here doesn’t like sleep? It really is the most fun you can have with your eyes closed. I believe it was Jon Bon Jovi who said “Gonna live while I’m alive, Sleep when I’m dead.” You always were a twat Mr. Jovi.

I can appreciate that the world is a wonderful place and that there is so much to do and experience, that lying in bed unaware of everything going on can seem like a waste to some. I just happen to think that there is a lot to be said for resting your body, shutting it down, closing your eyes and recharging your batteries so that when you do go to face the big bad world, you are fighting fit.

I suppose everyone’s take on nightly slumber is different. I can only speak for myself. I usually do. With that in mind here are some things I’d like to share about my sleeping habits.

I sleep naked 99% of the time.

I can’t abide having anything restrict me while I sleep. The idea of wearing a shirt which will wrap around my body as I turn in the night and attempt to restrict the oxygen coming into my lungs is counter active to the concept of a restful nights sleep. The same has to be said for underwear…but not about oxygen obviously. It’s nice to just let everything go free and unhindered.

Of course, social decorum requires that occasionally, being as the day I was born is not appropriate. I do own a couple of pairs of pyjama bottoms (bottoms only) for when etiquette dictates. If I am staying as a guest in a friends house or hotel, if I need to be kept overnight in hospital or if I ever need to answer the door.

I snore. Loud.


This is something anyone who has had the misfortune (or opportunity of a lifetime, eh ladies,) to share a room with me. I remember once sharing a room with an Uncle on family trip away. He snored so loud that the whole room shook. I have been told I am at least as bad as him.

There have been occasions where I have woken myself up such has been the voracity of my nocturnal rumblings. It can be particularly embarrassing if I fall asleep on bus or train. I wake up with a real sense of paranoia.

I have tried various methods and potions to ease this affliction. Sprays, rubs, nasal strips. All to no avail. I’ve been told stitching a tennis ball into pyjamas would help as it would stop me lying on my back. But I’ve already discussed my problem with nightwear.

I spoke to my doctor once about my problem and she suggested that I may need my adenoids removed. Frankly, electing for surgery for something that (mostly) isn’t causing me to lose any sleep seems a bit extreme.

I prefer to sleep alone.

This might be deemed a little controversial. I hate sharing a bed. Having someone else there, in my space when I am trying to relax is just an exercise in futility. I just can’t switch off.

Firstly if I can go back to my previous point about snoring. I’m so worried that if I start snoring then my companion won’t get any rest. I lie awake frozen, petrified that my nasal earthquakes will be so shuddering that no woman would ever risk their hearing by spending another night with me.

There is also the possibility that she snores. I can’t be expected to just lie there while she rides the noisy train to the land of nod.

Secondly, there is always the temptation of sex. If there is a lady in my bed and (as I’ve already explained) I’m au natural well then I am constantly going to be aware that I could be called into action at any time. I’ve got to be ready. I’ve got to be on my ‘A’ game. Especially if I need to make her forget about my snoring.

I imagine its how Fernando Torres felt at the World Cup Final. He couldn’t relax on the bench because he knew he could be called into action at anytime and he really had a lot to prove after a disappointing tournament.

Finally I just like to roll around in my bed. I’m not one of these people who have a ‘side’ of the bed. I sleep diagonally mostly. It takes a while for me to get comfortable. Usually the most comfortable part of the bed is the exact same point where my friends back or legs are…it’s just awkward.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the rules. I’m not just some “Hit it and Quit it” kind of guy (I love that phrase.) A gentleman would never skulk off in the night after enjoying a ladies ‘company’ so it is something I endure.

I’ve been lucky over the years that I have met a few ladies who where understanding of my sleep problems and made me feel at ease that I could lie comfortably beside them and get some rest. After cuddling of course. How anyone can sleep whilst cuddling is just beyond me.

I have some strange dreams.

I have all the usual subconscious manifestations that you would expect from someone with such furtive imagination. I’ve dreamt I’ve been falling, losing my teeth, naked in public, back in school. All your basic Freudian latent imagery.

Then there are the other ones. I have had some dreams which really require some deep analysis. I’m not really sure where to begin with these. I had them both more than five years ago but they where so vivid that they stay fresh in my memory. Please don’t judge me

The first one I was a member of Boyzone (don’t judge I said.) We had just won an award for our latest song and we decided to have a celebration on the roof of my apartment building. We ran out of booze and headed to the local Spar to pick up the staple of any ‘Rock n Roll’ party, Budweiser and Jack Daniels.

Unfortunately we didn’t have any cash and the Spar wouldn’t accept our Super Platinum credit card. So, me, Ronan, Keith and the other boyz decided to steal the stuff. Of course we were picked up by the police and went to court. In front of the judge we were sentenced to work off our crime in an abattoir. The dream ended with me and my talent less friends in white overcoats up to our knees in pig’s blood.

The second one was kind of similar. I was in love with a Colombian drug lord’s daughter and the only way he would approve our union was if I completed some tasks. One of which was to rob a bank with the Jackson 5.

I believe the expression on the internet is WTF!!!!

I’ve also been able to do some lucid dreaming where I realise I am dreaming and take control. This usually involves me fulfilling some kind of fantasy such as finding a lot of money, meeting a beautiful woman or going to an exotic location.

I love dreaming. It takes you out of reality and transports you to the places your mind want you to be. Dreaming alone is reason enough to love sleeping. Anyone who says otherwise needs to wake up.