Satellite

“Let me take you on a journey. A journey into German Opera”

The above statement was contained in a text message I received recently. Apropos of nothing, that would be quite a vague sentence for anyone to take the time to type. However, it been preceded by a rant about the banalities of the current crop of BBC presenters and their insistence on using clichés when segueing into the next link, gave it some credence

It had come from a friend who had just heard that very sentence used on T.V. Angered and appalled by such tired presenting she felt the need to text me and vent her frustration (She also text me when McDreamy was shot…whatever that means.) I agreed with her that is was ridiculous and trite and we concurred that he should be taken out and beaten about the face with potted plants. It was an enjoyable conversation. She told me I could use it in my blog.

Now there a couple of reasons why I wouldn’t do this (oh the irony.) The first reason is that “Let me take you on a journey” is used at the start of The Mighty Boosh. A wacky comedy show that the ‘kids’ love. I enjoyed its off the cuff irreverence at first. The more I watched and the more I heard the ‘kids’ saying how genius it was the more I questioned it. Its really not as clever or as funny as it thinks it is.


One word that is constantly bandied about when describing it original. Its no more original than I am. Its style and humour can directly be traced back through the likes of Vic and Bob, The Goodies, Monty Python and The Goons. I’m not saying its terrible but they didn’t invent comedy as some internet boards would have you believe. In fairness my problem is probably more with their fans than their comedy.

The second reason I wouldn’t be using it in my blog, is because it wasn’t my idea. If it had come to me naturally after the conversation well then I would have used it. A clever little dissection of the decline in quality televisual reportage. However because she suggested it, it would be a little cheeky of me to take her idea and claim it as my own.

It did however make a nice change to have someone suggest that I could use something I shared with them on here. People have become a little paranoid about meeting me. Many conversations and encounters are suffixed with, “don’t talk about this on your blog.”

I find this a little offensive to be honest. Over the years people have trusted me enough to share secrets with me. A vast range of confidentialities have been entrusted to me. I have never once felt the need to share. And some of them would make great stories. Who wouldn’t want to hear about the girl who cries out “Oh thank you, Easter Bunny” at the height of passion (you know who you are.) But I have never betrayed her trust.

Also what they fail to understand , is that its not about them. Even if they are featured in one of my pieces, its not about them. Its about me. I know that sounds a little egotistical but hear me out. Even if someone is involved in one of my little tales, its not them I am talking about. Its an imaginary version of them that I have created to fit my mood. Doesn’t everyone do that?

I guess its like that part in High Fidelity (the book, not the movie) where Rob is talking about how he is the star in the movie of his own life, but when it comes down to it he’s probably only an extra in a crowd scene in someone else’s movie. For someone else’s movie, I’m probably left on the editing room floor. But here on Insert Witty Pop Culture Reference Here, I’m the character, subtext, romantic subplot, comedy relief and gratuitous nude scene. But none of that would make any sense without my supporting cast. (That’s a compliment I swear.)

So in the context of the movie of my life, I’ve decided to cast it with the crop of Hollywood's finest. Of course I can’t cast everyone who has ever featured in my life so some of the characters are a composite of more than one person from reality.

Of course to play me I would love to cast John Cusack. He’s smart, funny, has a good track record of playing men struggling to reach maturity. However I don’t think people would buy him as me. Instead I am going to cast him as a cross between a spirit guide and my conscience. He will play the part Adeela, my therapist (who by the way was lady of Pakistani origins, Cusack has got range.)

To play the role of my parents I am going to reunite one of Hollywood's power couples from back in the day. The part of my Dad will be played by Jack Nicholson. Mostly because some of Jack’s facial are very similar to my dads. To the point where I was uncomfortable watching As Good as it Gets. His wife will be played by a woman who has played a lot of Irish mammies lately, Angelica Huston.

My two oldest friends will be played by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, despite the possibility of Affleck being attacked by lumberjacks. My other friends will include, Kevin Bacon, Jarvis Cocker, The League of Gentlemen, James Galdofini, Dylan Moran and Basil Brush.

The love interests will be played by Reese Witherspoon, Jeanane Garoffolo and Uma Thurman. Oooh I can hear the women I’ve known wondering out who is whom as I type. They are compositions ladies.

I suppose for me we are looking at someone like Jack Black. I do however find his schtick really irritating these days. So instead I considered going to go with the greatest actor of his generation, Philip Seymour Hoffman but when I thought about it, he’s just doesn’t have the requisite sex appeal. Clooney and Pitt are too ‘traditionally’ handsome and Johnny Depp is frankly a terrible actor. So I’m left with no choice but to play myself in my opus.

And off course I’ll find a role for my good friend Glen, who is a professional actor and this week is appearing in J.P. Shanley's ‘Doubt’ in the Teachers Club on Parnell Square West. It is an excellent play and I heartily recommend you go see it if you can.

I’ve even thought about some songs that should be on the soundtrack. It contains music from people like Whale, Paul Simon, Avril Lavigne, Fighting Spiders and Elton John. It would be a must have album for a generation. Like the soundtrack to Pulp Fiction or Trainspotting.

I am aware that this makes me sound incredibly egotistical. However, surely everyone is entitled to be an icon in their own head at least. I’d love to hear who you would pick to play you in the movie of your life.

I guess most people wouldn’t be vain enough to post it on the internet for all to read. Let me have this one thing. Let me be a star. In fairness, in the movie of your life I’ll probably be played by Leo from Fair City.